L.O.V.E.

In all aspects it is important. Sometimes we confuse love with just being between a couple…or whatever type of relationship it is you choose. Love is between all beings. It’s there… The laughter between a mother and son or daughter. A kiss between a husband and wife. A father and daughter embrace. The comradery between a brother and sister . A niece and nephew who chase each other. A pet and its owner playing fetch. A relationship between two brothers to tease each each other. A friend who just simply makes you happy over lunch. The love we have for ourselves. Everyday we care for ourselves. Love.

Or it could be the other kind of love. So great it makes time stand still…or even leaves you shaken. Love can just be two people who just get each other. The space between you feels heavy. It’s like there is a pull and you can’t quite understand it. All of it is confusing. There is a feeling of peace when you look into each other’s eyes. No other words. You may question everything…Sometime you want to reach out, but you can’t. When you do…you don’t want to let the connection go. Think of them through out the day. Find your mind wandering always toward them wondering…always wondering.  Love is there. It is always there. It resonates within us all. We are meant to love.

Sometimes we get so caught up with feeling alone that we miss all the other areas in our lives that there is love.  Love created us. We were born from it. It produced us. We flourished from it. We learned from it. We were humbled by it. We lost a lot from love. Through it all we still grow from love. The lessons were always happening right in front of our eyes. Love never stopped teaching us.

What are we to learn from all the love we experience in our lives? I learn from the little ones in my life. It’s a unconditional kiss on the hand or the kiss on the lips when I least expect it. The simple “I love you mommy.” I have learned that I do not always have to be perfect. They see ME and love me for it. I am not always my most perfect self. I suffer from self doubt, loss, worries, and angst like some and I am my worst critic, however through their love I start each day knowing I am loved. I see the love in their eyes. I hope that I can let them learn from my love…for myself and for them that being a human is about loving yourself and those that mean the most to us.

Love is also about expressing yourself to those around us and if your like me…express it to others to hopefully color the world with love. I experience this to share it with others to help them. It is my gift to giveback. If I can teach my children one thing it would be to always find your purpose and give back to the world. Then you will truly experience love. We are always loved by someone. Even thought it feels as though we aren’t…we are.IMG_6355.JPG

One Fucking Tree Not On a Hill

This is real…I had a perfectly great day. I killed it at work and had an awesome day. I went to have a drink and then all of the damn sudden…BAM….Fucking photo in my news feed. FUCK. It’s of his tree…I planted for HIM last year. Of HIS memory of HIS death and we placed HIS ashes around it.  OMFG. Damn…it survived just like I did. And I did….and it did…so we are still here. Man. So now what? oh yeah… CUE THE FUCKING TEARS. FUCK!!!

So, yeah been a blubbering mess since then. I’m a year and a half out..but HE still makes me cry. THANKS LOVE. SMH. I feel the love. On a day like today I just want to laugh and I can’t it’s the most boring day EVER on social media. AND nothing is happening with me. I’m just hanging out. I’m not dating or talking to anyone to distract me. NOPE. It’s just me.

So what now. Just wait for it to pass? I guess so. I’m like OK. THIS IS NICE. How long do I wait?? Everyone keeps asking me when am I going to date??? HA…I’m just fine…I need effort…boys don’t..they are lazy. NOPE. I’ll be fine I’m not into lazy guys or guys who are attached. Keep it moving…Connection or not. Please…DON’T. Its clear…If it was so amazing with me then it would be clear….IT’S just not. I can feel the energy vibe…

SO to regroup, I am feeling this moment…getting through it. ALONE. I have NO one and I am good. How many people cling to others when in need?? I don’t. I GRIT and BEAR through it ALONE. ALONE. I never ask for help…or ask to cry on a shoulder…I do it…every time alone by myself. I do it every time ALONE. I comfort myself and get myself though whatever hard time. WHO DOES THAT?? Me.

This is real grief and what its like to do it alone. Real and raw…feel that?? I do..its my damn soul being on blast….I’m putting it all out there for everyone to see. Most people could never do what I do. Random Facebook statuses and shit are nothing compare to real , raw, and random feelings of a person who actually feel real emotions.

So yes, that tree brought me to tears. Wouldn’t it you? Wouldn’t you cry when you saw it? Or maybe not? or Maybe you are not like about feelings? maybe I’m just so sensitive? I feel like I am not the only on who would cry…

Losing your soul mate is shitty..let me tell you. How often do you find another? Like Carrie said in Sex and the City, “How many great loves do we get int his lifetime?” How many? Am I doomed since I had one already? And what if I had another???? What if the timing fucking sucked?? Ha…Charlotte said, ” We only have one great love in our lives.” Thanks bitch…then my game is over.

I couldn’t help but wonder….

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What No One Tells You.

No one tells you when someone dies that your life will never be the same. NO. How can they?…They don’t know. NO one knows except you. You have two choices. One. You can lie face down in your bed for the rest of your life and become a miserable wretch and make everyone around you miserable, or Two. You can choose life. But how do you go on after something so tragic? How you even begin to fathom living without the person that you thought you were supposed to grow old with? How? Tell me that? No. No one can. I had to figure it out.

Day one wasn’t that bad. I mean literally felt nothing the first 72 hours. I was numb. I was just in survival mode making sure my kids were taken care of. That is all I cared about was them. Then after his funeral was when I felt everything. When everyone left and returned to their normal lives. That is when  I have to pick up the pieces of my wrecked life. Having someone you love die so suddenly is like being punched in the face repeatedly over and over for eternity. The pain never stops. Or..even better! It’s like having your heart-broken by that love of your life over and over every day. He just keeps coming over to break your heart and then leaves. That is the despair I was left with. Only eventually you get over a broken heart and decide the guy was a dick for leaving you and move on find someone new. My husband wasn’t a dick for leaving me; and you just don’t move on from a guy like him. He was in so much pain he chose to end his life. Was I angry with him? Yeah… I mean of course, but the anger passes and I can only feel compassion for him now.

No one tells you about the night mares or the sleepless nights…or the nights you cry yourself to sleep..and eventually pass out from exhaustion. No… who talks about that? No one. Or the day his closet was finally cleaned out and I couldn’t even go in there for 24 hours, and when I did it was with a bottle of wine after the kids went to bed and damn right I sat there and cried and drank that wine. Do I deserve to have a night and mourn the actual loss of that man in an unhealthy way? Fuck yeah! Fuck yeah. I reserve the right to. Its my grief. It’s my loss. It’s my journey. Did ever do that again? No. But that day that was all I could do to get through the pain.

It’s the panic attacks at 4 am that really throw you for a loop. Waking up out of a dead sleep to what feels like your entire world ending in a second. The intense worry and frantic feeling that what the fuck am I going to do if something happens to me? WHAT? I am all these kids have. Oh my god and then before you know it you are crying  about how you don’t have a baby daddy to take them if I die. Then, reality hits you after a few and you realize that the worst has already happened to me. It literally can’t get any worse. Whatever happens now is nothing compared to what I have been through. Then you breathe…relax…and hope that you can sleep for the last two hours before your alarm goes off….most of the time I don’t. I sit in darkness waiting for the light. Thankfully the light always arrives.

Then there are the days that you wonder what kind of men your boys will be. How will they know what kind of men to be if their father is no longer around? How do I teach them how to be good men? Their father was good man. I use him as an example….he was flawed yes he was…we all are, but he was good. As good as they get. He treated me like a queen for ten years and use that as an example for these boys. Always always…be good to the women in your life. They may act like frat guys sometimes, but that is when it’s just us and we are alone…but in public you are respectful and on your best behavior and always be good. Shake hands, respectfully address everyone. Manners are a must with me. HE was well-mannered. One of the reasons I was attracted to him. He had impeccable style and was a class act.

What i didn’t realize was how independent I would become. I barely recognize myself now.How much I would become so used to not having to need anyone. It’s almost a flaw…I refuse to ask for help unless someone forces it on me. It is all me. I do it. I handle my life without anyone. I get deep satisfaction from knowing I don’t need anyone, but on the flip side….what if someone eventually wants to help me or be there for me? What if? Oh you want to move furniture for me? uhhh..I’ll figure it out. Oh you insist like ten times? Uh…okay..I say begrudgingly. I always say thank you but secretly wonder if I could have moved that couch. HA…Oh I bought art and yes I can’t lift the pieces over my head to hang…BUT DAMN IT I WILL NOT ASK FOR HELP. Oh you want to hang it? Thank you…and I never ask again when our schedules don’t work out.I don’t want to bother anyone and I just can’t…and I think because I was so reliant on HIM that I can’t possibly let myself get like that again. I can’t. It’s a thing…letting people into my life…because its that question of what if they leave and I actually miss them or need them in my life. Or damn it what if I  do need something hung and YOU WEREN’T THERE. Nope…

Lastly, No one tells you how incredibly misunderstood you will be. Everyone and their damn mother has a fucking opinion  on how I should be living my life. When it comes to my kids, oh hell no. Do NOT talk about my children. I am a mama bear and will ravage you. Turn around walk away before you are mauled. “When are you getting a boyfriend?” Please SIR. I am quite fine being alone and if I want to eat by myself it is not because i am lonely or have no one… it is quite the opposite. I want to have a meal by myself. By the way picking a boyfriend is not like scrolling through a catalog…its about connection and I’m not going to settle for someone who is ehhhh just to make everyone less uncomfortable. And if i say I need a hug…it does not mean I am desperate and lonely either. It means honestly that i am human and need a damn hug.

What I have learned is all this and tons more which I am sure I will write about, however. Mostly what I have learned is that I should not feel guilty for enjoying life without him. Some days I do. I feel incredibly guilty for indulging in life. Sometimes even when i smile…deep down inside I hope he knows that I still miss him everyday, but I have to go on. I can’t live in the past…he was my past…and I have live in the now. For right now. I am in charge of my future and I am working to make it bright for the boys and for myself.

“She was fierce, she was strong, she wasn’t simple. She was crazy and sometimes she barely slept. She always had something to say. She had flaws and that was okay. And when she was down, she got right back up. She was a beast in her own way, but one idea described her best. She was unstoppable and she took anything she wanted with a smile.”  R.M. Drake

 

Trusting the Journey

Just when I start to get comfortable with my surroundings…the universe sends me something new. I found myself looking at really old photos of myself. I can not believe the journey I have been on this past year and half. Where I was and where I came from is incredible.What I lost is incredible but, I am here still standing.

I made the decision a month ago that I was going to redo my surroundings. I have to. I was inspired, but also I have to change what once was my life. That isn’t my life anymore. That isn’t my now. My now is completely different. from what I used to live. I lived a life as a stay at home mom with my kids full-time. I lived and breathed them 24 hours a day. I made it that way, but I was not happy inside just being a mom. I used to always say I wanted to have children, but knew that being a mom was never enough. I am a creative type and wanderer and an Aries so…I never stay in one spot for too long and never have. When I was with Nick that was the longest I have ever stayed still. Never moving in my journey. Never moving forward. I didn’t have growth as a person because I was consumed with being the perfect wife and mother. I held that spot for ten years. Until it all came crumbling down when he died.

I woke up from that day and felt lost. I felt alone. I had relied on that man for a very long time. I forgot who I was and it took losing him to find myself again and that is bittersweet for sure. I had to give up a love so great to have self-love and true self-worth. I can’t even comprehend having to ask someone to make that decision. “Do you want to love yourself or someone to love you.” Hmm…mostly people would choose someone to love them. I didn’t have a choice the universe chose for me. I was forced to look at myself in the mirror and see myself for what I am. Then begin to build and find myself all over again. I would battle it out in the gym with Victor and literally walk out of there a tiny bit closer to feeling a little bit of healing. I spent  7months  working on my physical  body and 1.5 years working my inside self. I had to do it for the boys most of all for myself.

People have said to me, “We didn’t know you before all this.” And your point is? I was a mother and I was a wife. I am no longer a wife. Still a mother. I do it everyday still, but just differently. I am a better mother now in my opinion. Do I tuck them in every single night? No. Do I give them everything I can to make sure they have happy lives and are growing and succeeding in their little lives? Yes. Are they happy? Yes. Am I happy? Yes. Are we a family still? Damn right. Quit judging.

It has been said several times that it is about time I get a boyfriend. Thanks! Glad me being single and happy makes you uncomfortable. I have many friends. I fill my time with them and my kids. We laugh a lot. We live. I am happy the way things are right now. I am honestly not sure I am going to find what I am looking for right now. Its timing. What I am looking for isn’t a cookie cutter person 6ft tall, great job, great kids, has all his hair. No. There is good on paper but that is not what I am looking for.

I am looking for a feeling. I know it already I have felt it before. It’s a pull…its energy. Its.energetic. Vibes. It will be like a magnet and it will difficult to withstand at first because it is a bit much. Might even have to take a step back. Put some distance into it. Let it be for a while. Take deep breath to get clarity. It will be difficult to look each other in the face and make direct eye contact. Its scares the shit out of you. When you are in their presence you will feel excited and calm all at ones. You wont want to leave, but you have to and when you do leave you will vibrate with energy. That’s what I am looking for. The rest will all work out. I am not going to find it in a bar or random ass dating app. I will let my journey take me there. I trust the journey. It hasn’t failed me yet. Until then I will continue to change and grow in this new life I have.

 

 

Learning to Fly

The month of June has been a revealing month for me. I became inspired again and found that I need to indulge in the things that make me happy. I need to take care of me or I won’t be able to take care of anyone. I have been so busy with just running my life that I forgot about the small things, the little things, that truly make me happy. I need to just think about me sometimes.

I bought my first piece of art this month and while may not be a significant thing to one person… it is to me. When I saw this piece it was everything. It was everything in one piece on the canvas. The colors and texture and subtle movement on the piece inspired me to reflect inward. I stare at it and am in awe because I see myself. SO buying this piece was extremely gratifying. It made me want to make everything in my home to reflect “her”, and because of that I will change my surroundings to reflect this new me.

Also this month I realized I have to shed all that does not serve me…that does not bring me joy, laughter, and love. Saying goodbye to what is not meant for me. I know what is not meant for me because if it is meant for me it will be ALL  IN. No indecision. There is no half way with me. I love myself more than to let that be alright with me. I felt immense power from this decision because I know I am in control of what stays in my life and what goes. I choose what is right for me. There are no exceptions to this for me. I will walk away and I do not fear walking way. That is how much I know myself. Do not mistake my niceness for weakness. I have learned that sometimes walking away may not get me what I want, but it is exactly what I need. I deserve better.

I also have realized that I do not give a fuck about what anyone thinks of me. Have your chatter about me. GOOD! I know…you think you know, but you do not. Some one is always going to have an opinion….and really I’m not going to sit in a corner and be a sad widow to make you feel better. Keep talking. I chose life after this tragedy. I chose to live on for my children and show them to survive in the face of this. I may not be perfect and yes I make mistakes… but i am human. I learn and look inward  am always growing and evaluating myself and my life. I am always moving forward. Sorry I am not living my life for you. I have never felt more liberated knowing that an opinion of me whether bad or good can not change how I see myself.

When a butterfly flies for the first time after its time changing from a catapillar…it is its most beautiful and purest self. It yet has not felt the harsh world yet…but even after it does…it always chooses to fly no matter what it may encounter. I choose to fly. No matter what.

 

 

 

 

Grief: Being Vulnerable

I don’t see myself as this vulnerable person, but apparently becoming a widow people see me as vulnerable. I think of myself as a strong person who has over come something incredibly difficult. Someone who has her shit together. Great kids, a new job, and I’m doing well…I’m healthy physically and emotionally. I don’t think of myself as being vulnerable.

Simple Definition of vulnerable

  • : easily hurt or harmed physically, mentally, or emotionally

  • : open to attack, harm, or damage

 

So the definition of vulnerability is the above. How does that mean me? I don’t conduct myself as being weak. That’s thing about grief is that you can’t be in a different place than where you are. It is was it is. I am really struggling with this “being vulnerable” thing. I hate it. I am over being this vulnerable person that people think they can take advantage of. I can see it a mile way…I can already access what your trying to do. What you say, your body language and your innuendos. I am not stupid. I’m tired of feeling like I am a piece of meat or I am the prey. Turn yourself around keep it moving.

So how do I change this? I honestly don’t know. I can’t change that I am a widow. I can’t change that he’s gone. I can’t change he chose to leave me. I just take care of my kids, throw myself into my new job, and enjoy time with friends and family. I am not out looking to be someones prey. Maybe I should just stay in my house and never leave? Is that what I am to do? No,  fuck you. I will not stand down. I will not cringe and cower away just because “they” see me as vulnerable.

I mind my business. Keep to myself. Hang out with positive people, and just want to be happy and laugh. Is that so bad? I’m not looking for anything else. Thanks though…but just stay away if you can’t add something positive to my life.

Grief:Comfort and Safety Are Essential

Days like today are difficult. I went to bed last night feeling sad and even still this morning the feelings did not waiver. Again this is a wave and will go away, but for right now I just have to sit in it and try to get through it.

My eight year on the way to school this morning asked a very interesting question. He said very sweetly, “Mom can Kipton and I have a sibling?” Ouch. That question cut like a knife. I tried to hold back tears because I was already on the verge of crying due to the sadness I had been feeling. I said, “Tristan, Mommy wont be having anymore children. Our family is complete.” When I said this I didn’t think about how we are actually missing someone very vital, but I made the decision several months ago that I was going to go this alone “just us three”.

I haven’t been looking for someone to fill the void…I have just been content with being alone and making our lives as stable and loving as possible. I have taken care of everything that we have needed to do. I have been focused on them and actually haven’t been able to see myself even be open to someone new, however something shifted in me a few weeks ago, and I did notice that change. I felt open and it was scary. I felt cracked open and it was terrifying to think that I would ever let anyone in again after being numb for eight months. My therapist says it means I am healing and that wanting those feeling again means I am progressing in my grief. I am moving on. I am alive. I am still here. I am meant to be here still.

Tristan then goes on to say, “Well why can’t you find someone to love you so that we can have a little sister?” Again, damn it that hurts. I tried to explain that I wasn’t not with anyone new because I couldn’t find anyone or a lack of trying but just that it wasn’t the right time these past few months. Someone new at that point wouldn’t have helped our situation. I had to focus on us as a family and healing. He wasn’t content with my answer and went on. “I’m sure there is someone out there to love you mom.” He said it with such a sweet innocent face and voice. I couldn’t help but love him even more, and even though I know he wasn’t trying to hurt me…it did. I broke down in tears after i kissed him good bye and told him I loved him. I don’t know why it hurt me, but it did. I felt guilty a bit to think my son just wants me to move on already. I haven’t not done it to deprive him of having someone in our lives, but more as a self preservation and protection mode. I had to protect them. I had to protect myself, and now I am stronger for it.

So now here I sit wrapped up in one of Nicks favorite old sweatshirts, and I do it not because I want it to be him here, but because for so long I felt safe with him. All I want right now is to feel safe. I want comfort and that feeling isn’t easy to come by very often. Feeling it briefly makes me yearn for it more. I deserve comfort and safety just as much as anyone else does. Even if its a fleeting moment.