No one tells you when someone dies that your life will never be the same. NO. How can they?…They don’t know. NO one knows except you. You have two choices. One. You can lie face down in your bed for the rest of your life and become a miserable wretch and make everyone around you miserable, or Two. You can choose life. But how do you go on after something so tragic? How you even begin to fathom living without the person that you thought you were supposed to grow old with? How? Tell me that? No. No one can. I had to figure it out.
Day one wasn’t that bad. I mean literally felt nothing the first 72 hours. I was numb. I was just in survival mode making sure my kids were taken care of. That is all I cared about was them. Then after his funeral was when I felt everything. When everyone left and returned to their normal lives. That is when I have to pick up the pieces of my wrecked life. Having someone you love die so suddenly is like being punched in the face repeatedly over and over for eternity. The pain never stops. Or..even better! It’s like having your heart-broken by that love of your life over and over every day. He just keeps coming over to break your heart and then leaves. That is the despair I was left with. Only eventually you get over a broken heart and decide the guy was a dick for leaving you and move on find someone new. My husband wasn’t a dick for leaving me; and you just don’t move on from a guy like him. He was in so much pain he chose to end his life. Was I angry with him? Yeah… I mean of course, but the anger passes and I can only feel compassion for him now.
No one tells you about the night mares or the sleepless nights…or the nights you cry yourself to sleep..and eventually pass out from exhaustion. No… who talks about that? No one. Or the day his closet was finally cleaned out and I couldn’t even go in there for 24 hours, and when I did it was with a bottle of wine after the kids went to bed and damn right I sat there and cried and drank that wine. Do I deserve to have a night and mourn the actual loss of that man in an unhealthy way? Fuck yeah! Fuck yeah. I reserve the right to. Its my grief. It’s my loss. It’s my journey. Did ever do that again? No. But that day that was all I could do to get through the pain.
It’s the panic attacks at 4 am that really throw you for a loop. Waking up out of a dead sleep to what feels like your entire world ending in a second. The intense worry and frantic feeling that what the fuck am I going to do if something happens to me? WHAT? I am all these kids have. Oh my god and then before you know it you are crying about how you don’t have a baby daddy to take them if I die. Then, reality hits you after a few and you realize that the worst has already happened to me. It literally can’t get any worse. Whatever happens now is nothing compared to what I have been through. Then you breathe…relax…and hope that you can sleep for the last two hours before your alarm goes off….most of the time I don’t. I sit in darkness waiting for the light. Thankfully the light always arrives.
Then there are the days that you wonder what kind of men your boys will be. How will they know what kind of men to be if their father is no longer around? How do I teach them how to be good men? Their father was good man. I use him as an example….he was flawed yes he was…we all are, but he was good. As good as they get. He treated me like a queen for ten years and use that as an example for these boys. Always always…be good to the women in your life. They may act like frat guys sometimes, but that is when it’s just us and we are alone…but in public you are respectful and on your best behavior and always be good. Shake hands, respectfully address everyone. Manners are a must with me. HE was well-mannered. One of the reasons I was attracted to him. He had impeccable style and was a class act.
What i didn’t realize was how independent I would become. I barely recognize myself now.How much I would become so used to not having to need anyone. It’s almost a flaw…I refuse to ask for help unless someone forces it on me. It is all me. I do it. I handle my life without anyone. I get deep satisfaction from knowing I don’t need anyone, but on the flip side….what if someone eventually wants to help me or be there for me? What if? Oh you want to move furniture for me? uhhh..I’ll figure it out. Oh you insist like ten times? Uh…okay..I say begrudgingly. I always say thank you but secretly wonder if I could have moved that couch. HA…Oh I bought art and yes I can’t lift the pieces over my head to hang…BUT DAMN IT I WILL NOT ASK FOR HELP. Oh you want to hang it? Thank you…and I never ask again when our schedules don’t work out.I don’t want to bother anyone and I just can’t…and I think because I was so reliant on HIM that I can’t possibly let myself get like that again. I can’t. It’s a thing…letting people into my life…because its that question of what if they leave and I actually miss them or need them in my life. Or damn it what if I do need something hung and YOU WEREN’T THERE. Nope…
Lastly, No one tells you how incredibly misunderstood you will be. Everyone and their damn mother has a fucking opinion on how I should be living my life. When it comes to my kids, oh hell no. Do NOT talk about my children. I am a mama bear and will ravage you. Turn around walk away before you are mauled. “When are you getting a boyfriend?” Please SIR. I am quite fine being alone and if I want to eat by myself it is not because i am lonely or have no one… it is quite the opposite. I want to have a meal by myself. By the way picking a boyfriend is not like scrolling through a catalog…its about connection and I’m not going to settle for someone who is ehhhh just to make everyone less uncomfortable. And if i say I need a hug…it does not mean I am desperate and lonely either. It means honestly that i am human and need a damn hug.
What I have learned is all this and tons more which I am sure I will write about, however. Mostly what I have learned is that I should not feel guilty for enjoying life without him. Some days I do. I feel incredibly guilty for indulging in life. Sometimes even when i smile…deep down inside I hope he knows that I still miss him everyday, but I have to go on. I can’t live in the past…he was my past…and I have live in the now. For right now. I am in charge of my future and I am working to make it bright for the boys and for myself.
“She was fierce, she was strong, she wasn’t simple. She was crazy and sometimes she barely slept. She always had something to say. She had flaws and that was okay. And when she was down, she got right back up. She was a beast in her own way, but one idea described her best. She was unstoppable and she took anything she wanted with a smile.” R.M. Drake